Відео

I've been Vanessa, both in distress and in therapy, slowly and safely being guided to bring my anger to life, feeling empowered, scared, and sad, too, but gaining energy, confidence, and ambition as never before. Most surprising is getting in touch with a little sense of humor that’s coming up.

I really enjoy and learn so much from your channel . Thank you

1:30 Who is the lovely sable on the sofa?

😶‍🌫️☝️

it was such a relief to learn healthy adults take care of themselves...anybody who regularly triggers those old guilt feelings is not a safe person.

Doctor is it true that most of childhood trauma comes from narcissistic abuse?

It is correct that narcissistic parents live from the outside in. My parents were superficial and shallow. And, yes, my mother tried to use me as a tool to make her feel good about herself. But I was a kid. I didn't understand what was going on. Yes, my mother thought she owned me.

I have referred to my dad as the sun and I was a little dark moon orbiting around him, only she’d light on when it served him. He also felt like a black hole that would suck me in and it was never enough and I would get swallowed up and disappear from my own life. When he died, my identity was that I was only his daughter and nothing else. I had no idea who I was without him and in relation to him. My planetary metaphor really lines up with Jay’s atomic metaphor. I am becoming more aware when people have that sun and black hole energy and starting to chose differently. This videos nailed my experience and articulated for me on a way I couldn’t. Thank you!!

You are very handsome and seem very sincere. I feel so much better that there are people out there that really understand this situation. If the scapegoat does not understand this, they will keep the cycle going through husbands/wives, friends etc.

My Narc mother had an affair with my husband, who was 3 yrs. younger than her. They plotted to get rid of me. Didn't happen. But she lost her house b/c of him.

I realized today that my boyfriend is my safe person because of your video. Thank you for what you've been sharing!!! I've been trying to make different choices and heal in the last 5 years. My mother was my narcissist, after she and my dad divorced he wasn't around much. I also grew up in a cult, the Jehovahs Witnesses. Once I figured out what a narcissist was, thanks to UA-cam, I realized my religion was about the same, high control and very narcissistic. I left my 20 year marriage at the same time I woke up about the religion. My ex was very unsafe, very suicidal and I was worried that he would include me in his unaliving process. I do have a question tho, my mother has disowned me so many times, and I want to start talking more publicly about what I've been thru. Even tho I have made all of my social media accounts private, she still somehow gets around it and finds out that I'm talking about my experiences with narcissism. She continually threatens court action against me...do you have any advice regarding this? Between the religion and her, I've always been told nobody cares and never say anything bad about them. I've finally had the courage to find my voice and share my story, how do I deal with legal action threats??

Yep. My narc Mom saw Dad molesting me so she shamed me, put me down and called me names. Ya, that makes you feel worthless.

It's when u do not dance for pennies (justy beaver) then u get attacked

This is why I loved university sooo much. It was me using my own brain and thought to for opinion about history and literal works. Up until that point you are basically being told what to do/think. I've always been a critical thinker and I think it's rattled certain members of my family.

Thank you very much Jay!

Loved the DMX reference! 🎉

This here video of yours may explain why I have the terrible habit called procrastination while expecting myself to come up with for example the perfect outline to complete an assignment in school or the perfect pattern for a knitted garment before I have learned how to knit one up like that on time for next winter anyway. Now that computers are available for use in libraries everyone in some way can be more powerful including junior high school students working in a public library which would of course frighten most narcissistic older relatives if their more powerful generation junior high school student when it comes to knitting too dares to try and discuss what they are learning about online with their narcissistic parent.

I have all 10 ennegram i am roles

Are used in any narky system

The plight of the golden child. They have to shut down their conscience and love of their sibling

Really appreciate this video, Jay. Thanks for addressing how survivors often feel something is uniquely wrong with them and seem to have a challenging time viewing their strengths authentically.

I love the list -- you're right that it's just a handful of signs, but they are great ones. I couldn't help noticing that in your fictionalized example, the narcissistic father was a psychologist. I think that the mental health field actually attracts people with narcissistic personality styles. Thanks for being one of the good ones, Jay.

For my vision board, I took notes of the 5 signs of a safe relationship AND paraphrased what made Claire such a good/safe friend. Thank you for helping me articulate this. It truly resonates!

This is pretty good. I'm now 30, living my life in opposition to my NP and the resulting trauma "Granted" by them.

This seems more like what happens with a child of a borderline personality, not a narcissist.

I like your channel because you’re really the only person I’ve heard talk about how to find safe people in recovery

If someone called about a situation, my mother wouldn't even listen to the whole situation and just turn around to me and say, "what did you do?" She also would blame stuff on me that my brother did right in front of me, to protect him. She is dead now and I am not sorry about that. Her death allowed me to eventually just leave the family mess altogether. Finally I am finding my true self outside of assigned roles.

This was the answerr to a question I have asked myself for 50+ years: Will something bad happen to others if I am me?

I have joined a kendo (martial arts) class and just over a couple of months now, I'm finding that there are some people there who I feel are safe people and who I want to become closer friends with. On the other hand, there are also some clearly unsafe people, and I find myself not needing to look after or tolerate them, I just don't really care about them that much, and definitely don't want to spend more time around them or get closer. I look forward to seeing the safe ones again each week and to talking to them and getting to know them. I think one of the signs of safe people, is that, you tend to feel better about yourself after your interactions with them. Even if you didn't discuss something personal. I think this is because scapegoat survivors have a basic strength and feel good about ourselves, and if we interact with a safe person and can be natural and not have to restrict ourselves or look after the other person, then those natural feelings can come more to the forefront of our conscious experience. By contrast, with an unsafe person you might feel a more unnatural rush during the interaction, but are left feeling more drained, stressed, out of your body, or disoriented, afterwards.

But Jay... this means that I'm a safe person :D

Eye of the tiger

Wow thanks for this Jay my older sister was the Golden Child and fully supported and backed my mothers abuse and even though she is now in her 60s with a family of her own still does but no longer at my mothers bidding she simply believes I deserve it and she has a right to abuse me and sadly has supported and encouraged her family to abuse me as well.

I’m neurodivergent & totally thought you meant an actual cup, like they don’t expect people to wait on them. 😂😂😂 especially after seeing the cup in the thumbnail

to be fair most victims of abuse have a deep need people for people to show love to "fill up" their need to feel loved but that is due to the hurt they feel but they are not toxic, just need loved due to chronic lack of love for most (or all) of their lives just because someone needs people to show love does NOT Make them abusive!!!

I always notice when people listen to me. I find that I isolate myself now more than ever. I feel that I have lost the ability to trust.

This is a great proactive and thought provoking video. Thank you!

Narcissts destroy our talents and make us boring person

listen: number 3 is a key point! most people wouldn’t believe that’s even possible. most people think that nobody would even think like that! it could happen even from a mother of father or grandmother or any relative for that matter.

🤣 yes I'm healthier than my family but that isn't setting the bar very high! 😋 🫂 love to y'all ❤️‍🩹

your talking habits remind me of Greg Marcus (movie theatre owner guy) lol lol. it’s fun :)

This is great! Thank you!

I was the sg. My sister was the g.c. I was lucky that I rebelled and got away. The thing is, that when the g.c. succeeded as a child, it was rewarded. But individuation and real success was ultimately seen as a threat. My sister died at age 30 after loosing her job. Thank God I was the s.g.!

Why their every wrong gets served over to us if possible repackaged and without a hitch Don’t they understand we can see it now? No its because they take our kindness for weakness

So my highly narcissistic son claims he is the scapegoat because his sister gets more than he does. Of course, he overlooks that she gets more than he does because she earns more than he does. She doesn’t have privileges taken away because she hasn’t been caught skipping school, lying, drinking, smoking pot, stealing, sneaking out engaging in highly dangerous activities, being very disrespectful… So, be careful before you feel sorry for someone who claims to be the neglected one.

This is my mom. Aside from all the intentional sabotage

My big sister was my MOTHERS “hitman” so to say! I will NEVER be safe around my family! And my Mother has been DEAD for 20 YEARS! That doesn’t leave their BRAINS! Remember they are “simple minded”! And that works for them! Being better than you makes them feel GOOD!

good thing i like me, thats all i got now

Thanks. 3 pillars of recovery 3:11 plus support groups & your free ebook🙌👏🔥🗡

Thanks

Glad YT recommended this. Thanks for thoughtful, useful content. Hadn’t previously considered this possibility and parts resonate.